


answer ur phone peter

by recommend_me_fics



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Gen, Social Media, Twitter, because i got hooked and i have writers block, chat fic, coronavirus-induced quarantine made me do this, help me learn the decathlon team’s names pls, mediocre comedy, seriously i might stop updating at any time for months, spotty updating, there’s really no plot, this is just for leisure don’t expect constant updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recommend_me_fics/pseuds/recommend_me_fics
Summary: mediocre comedythe acadec team and avengers are done with peters shitned is a good bromj and peter are platonicit’s a chat fic. what else do you need to know??
Relationships: Cindy Moon/Sally Avril, Peter Parker & Academic Decathlon Team (Spider-Man: Homecoming), Peter Parker & Michelle Jones, Peter Parker & Ned Leeds, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, ig now
Comments: 29
Kudos: 246





	1. the one where the author is lazy

sneak peek cuz i don’t want to write everything now-

(Midtown AcaDec chat)

father abraham: has anyone seen peter

betty with the good hair: i saw him second period in biology

father abraham: ms warren is pissed because peters gone again

bedned: he told me he had a doctors appt

flashyflash: hes probably just skipping class

betty with the good hair: peter doesn’t skip class

betty with the good hair: besides, he loves biology

mj: shut up flash peter doesn’t skip school

bedned: thank you

mj: you need a better chat name Ned

bedned: i know

father abraham: yup

betty with the good hair: you can’t talk father abraham

(guyinthechair > friendly_neighborhood_spooderman)

guyinthechair: ms warren noticed you leave

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i know i know i’m sorry

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: mr stark called he needed me to help at the bridge, the cables collapsed

guyinthechair: the teams getting suspicious too

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i know i just

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i don’t want to be embarrassed in front of mr stark 

guyinthechair: he already saw you as pajama spiderguy

guyinthechair: i don’t think you can get anymore embarrassed 

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: fuck off ned

guyinthechair: love you too bro

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i despise you


	2. the one where peter misses school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter misses school, the avengers save people at a falling bridge, the aca dec team gets suspicious, ned is a good bro.

[strongest avenger > underoos]

7:25 am

strongest avenger: kid, you coming over after school?

underoos: yeah after aca dec practice

strongest avenger: good we need to work on fixing your web fluid so it can fit in bigger amounts into smaller spaces

underoos: i can bring the web fluid that we worked on last week?

strongest avenger: alright then. see you at five

underoos: see you then mr stark

7:47 am

[Midtown AcaDec chat]

11:08 am

betty with the good hair: https//:buzzfeed-unsolved/spider-man/theories/www.com

cindyyy: i don't think spiderman has eight eyes on his forehead

betty with the good hair: you don't know that

betty with the good hair: i mean he shoots webs out of his hands and shit

bedned: doesn't he have web shooters 

cindyyy: yeah see ned knows what he's talking about

flashyflash: spidermans way too cool to shoot actual webs out of wrists like some mutant

father abraham: stfu ms hamada's giving me her bitch face cuz i keep looking down

bedned: put ur phone on silent then

father abraham: how about you guys talk later theskjnwaoebzxmwpdgtbdnjcn3

betty with the good hair: oof

cindyyy: rip abe

beterbarker: press f to pay respects

betty with the good hair: peter you lurker

bedned: f

beterbarker: i turned my phone off when i saw the link

cindyyy: f

betty with the good hair: f

mr harrington: stop texting before i tell your teachers

beterbarker: shit

bedned: the true lurker

11:32 am

[Midtown AcaDec chat]

1:12pm

father abraham: has anyone seen peter

betty with the good hair: i saw him third period in biology

father abraham: ms warren is pissed because peters gone again

bedned: he told me he had a doctors appt

flashyflash: hes probably just skipping class

betty with the good hair: peter doesn’t skip class

betty with the good hair: besides, he loves biology

mj: shut up flash peter doesn’t skip school

bedned: thank you

mj: you need a better chat name Ned

bedned: i know

father abraham: yup

betty with the good hair: you can’t talk father abraham

mj: besides he better be here for decathlon practice

flashyflash: or what

cindyyy: oof

mj: i can always put you back as an alternate and have jack take your spot

father abraham: shots fired-

bedned: rip flash

flashyflash: damn okay i’m sorry 

mj: damn right

betty with the good hair: and this is why you don’t fuck with mj

father abraham: poor peter

1:29pm

[guyinthechair > friendly_neighborhood_spooderman]

1:27pm

guyinthechair: ms warren noticed you leave

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i know i know i’m sorry

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: mr stark called he needed me to help at the bridge, the cables collapsed

guyinthechair: the teams getting suspicious too

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i know i just

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i don’t want to be embarrassed in front of mr stark

guyinthechair: he already saw you as pajama spiderguy

guyinthechair: i don’t think you can get anymore embarrassed

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: fuck off ned

guyinthechair: love you too bro

friendly_neighborhood_spooderman: i despise you

1:45pm

[aunt hottie > kiddo]

2:56pm

aunt hottie: peter you better not have been on that bridge today

kiddo: ...

aunt hottie: pETER

kiddo: i’m sorry aunt may!

kiddo: but that bridge carries hundreds of people and i had ap lit and i’d already finished the lord of the flies essay so i thought it was okay

aunt hottie: good lord

aunt hottie: just please tell me you didn’t skip decathlon practice again

kiddo: shit

aunt hottie: goddammit peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all idk how this was
> 
> have a good night/morning/life


	3. the one with emjay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter missed a calc test, the aca dec team enjoys 2000s songs, castle swimmer was updated, mj takes revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha new chat format because despite no school for two weeks for me i’m still lazy as fuck
> 
> also sally and charles because i forgot them last time my bad

THE PADAWANS AND MJ

young padawan 1: peter mr takara wanted me to tell you to finally take the calc test you missed 

young padawan 2: shit

young padawan 2: i completely forgot about that

young padawan 1: mr takaras gonna email may again

young padawan 2: i know i’ll just have to go in after school

young padawan 2: and skip the internship

young padawan 1: don’t forget to tell mr stark it’s a happy pick up day today

young padawan 2: shit

sith lord: and peter’s life is a mess as usual

young padawan 2: stfu mj

young padawan 1: oof- 

sith lord: wow parker grew some balls

young padawan 1: oOF

sith lord: ned

young padawan 1: yes supreme leader

sith lord: i’m done

young padawan 2: look what you did

young padawan 1: this was you too you idiot

young padawan 2: bITCH

young padawan 1: sQUARE UP

sith lord: good lord

ACA-DEC CRACK

salt: just a smALL town gIRL

betty with the good hair: liVING IN A LONELY WORLD

father abraham: SHE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOIN

chahliebitmahfingah: aNyWhErE

beterbarker: JUST A CITYYY BOY

bedned: RAISED IN SOUTH DETROOOIIITTT

father abraham: HE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOIN

betty with the good hair: aNyWhErE

beterbarker: well i’ve been runnin down the road

cindyy: tryna loosen my load

salt: got sEVEN women on my mind

betty with the good hair: FOUR THAT WANNA OWN ME

father abraham: TWO THAT WANNA FUCK ME

bedned: ONE SAYS SHES A FRIEND OF MINE

chahliebitmahfingah: wait wait wait

beterbarker: what the fuck abe 

salt: watch your motherfuckin language

cindyy: dead meme

salt: fight me

father abraham: i mean it’s basically what the lyrics are 

bedned: but it’s not

beterbarker: you ruined the streak abe goddammit

father abraham: you changed the fucking song

beterbarker: but y’all adjusted to it

cindyy: yeehaw

beterbarker: fml

ACA DEC CRACK

beterbarker: HOLY SHIT

beterbarker: CASTLE SWIMMER WAS FINALLY FUCKING UPDATED HOLY SHIT

cindyy: WHAT

salt: SERIOUSLY

chahliebitmahfingah: I KNOW I JUST SAW IT

flashyflash: FUCKING FINALLY

father abraham: ???

flashyflash: hey i can enjoy a good gay romance

beterbarker: valid point have a nice day

betty with the good hair: the more you know

emjay: wow

emjay: who the fuck changed my name

bedned: not me

salt: ngl idk how to change it

betty with the good hair: i thought only mr harrington and mj have admin powers anyways

salt: true

salt: but harrington doesn’t even check the chat

betty with the good hair: i’m pretty sure he leaves us on do not disturb

cindyy: girl you scary like hell i’d change your name

beterbarker: i value life

father abraham: i also value life

flashyflash: i learned from last time

betty with the good hair: frankly if i did change it it’d be something better

cindyy: it it’d be

betty with the good hair: cindy i swear to fucking god

cindyy: <3

chahliebitmahfingah: does anyone honestly think i’d do it

cindyy: point

emjay: somebody better fucking fess up

emjay: or else karma will be unloaded

father abraham: we’re screwed

beterbarker: sHIT-

bedned: SOMEONE CONFESS

bedned: I DONT WANT A REPEAT OF LAST TIME

salt: wtf happened last time

beterbarker: mj changed our names to embarrassing shit

father abraham: what, may i ask, were those names?

bedned: no

emjay: who fucking did it

beterbarker: I STG IT WASNT ME

beterbarker: WHOEVER DID IT TELL HER NOW

betty with the good hair: whipped

bedned: tHANK YOU

beterbarker: wot

salt: boys

cindyy: boys

betty with the good hair: boys

emjay: boys

beterbarker: i’m so confused

bedned: it’s okay

emjay: back to the topic...

bedned: shit

emjay: five...

beterbarker: shit

emjay: four...

bedned: we’re screwed

chahliebitmahfingah: i’m actually scared ngl

emjay: three...

beterbarker: i stg flash if this was you

flashyflash: IT WASNT I DONT FUCK WITH MJ ANYMORE

emjay: wise

emjay: two...

cindyy: i didn’t do it mj seriously pls don’t take your anger out on me

emjay: one...

father abraham: shit here we go

emjay: zero

emjay has changed beterbarker’s name to my life is a mess

my life is a mess: true

emjay has changed bedned’s name to nedward

nedward: ...

emjay has changed salt’s name to grammar nazi 

grammar nazi: damn you make one correction in class

emjay has changed cindyy’s name to grammar nazi’s friend with benefits

grammar nazi’s friend with benefits: i-

grammar nazi: wHAT

beterbarker: I KNEW IT

emjay has changed flashyflash’s name to eugene fitzherbert

eugene fitzherbert: wow

emjay has changed betty with the good hair’s name to it’s britney bitch

it’s britney bitch: why-

emjay: i’m running low on ideas

emjay has changed father abraham’s name to annoying ass mf

annoying ass mf: how creative 

nedward: but true

annoying ass mf: thanks 

emjay: you’re less annoying than flash tho

annoying ass mf: that doesn’t mean much

eugene fitzherbert: :/

my life is a mess: this was surprisingly anti climactic

emjay: eh the author wanted to update but she has work to finish

grammar nazi’s friend with benefits: ???

emjay: have fun kids

grammar nazi: what the fuck-

it’s britney bitch: wait charles didn’t get his name changed

emjay: charles is a good child i won’t punish him

nedward: wOw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mj was not being transphobic if anyone thinks she was with the ‘peter grew some balls’ joke. peter is not trans in this fic, and mj was just joking about how peter usually is shy and non confrontational, which he was not. 
> 
> idk why i explained that i just didn’t want anyone to come at me lol
> 
> anyway how’s y’all coronavirus induced breaks been? i’m assuming most people have breaks because i live on an island and we only had three cases for the schools to get closed
> 
> if anyone has a good ballet stretch workout for me i’d really appreciate it all my friends stretch routines are either too much or too little
> 
> stay healthy <3


	4. the one where the bi squad is present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao so i finally figured out how to italicize and bold words so that’s why it looks different in case y’all were wondering
> 
> the bi squad has been brought to light in honor of pride, happy pride my lgbtq readers, me and my bi self are proud of you, whatever your gender or sexual orientation is, even if you’re still in the closet, know that you’re valid

**annoying ass mf:** are we going to ignore how mj called out sally and cindy

 **grammar nazi:** yes

 **grammar nazi’s friend with benefits:** please

 **annoying ass mf:** i really don’t want to ignore it are you sure

 **grammar nazi’s friend with benefits:** goddammit yEs abe we are

 **my life is a mess:** it’s three in the morning can we deal with this later please

 **nedward:** DONT act like you haven’t stayed up later

 **beterbarker:** so what if i have i want to go to sleep nOW

 **chahliebitmahfingah** : as embarrassing as this is for cindy and sally (and irritating for peter) can we change our names back mj please

 **chahliebitmafingah:** my mom goes through my phone and she saw ‘annoying ass mf’ and got a little mad

 **nedward:** grounded again

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** yeah

 **emjay:** i sympathize charles, but still, no changes unless harrington says something or someone confesses

 **emjay:** also, extra practice on monday, 2:45-4:00

 **it’s britney bitch:** you’re a tyrant

 **emjay:** make sure to bring your notes from the last decathlon

 **it’s britney bitch:** mmmmmmMMMMMMMM

**father abraham, bedned, and seven others**

**father abraham:** who the fuck did it

 **cindyyy:** wasn’t me

 **flashyflash:** i actually didn’t do it this time i swear

 **bedned:** nope

 **chahliebitmafingah:** wanna hear a funny story

 **salt:** no fucking way

 **cindyyy:** charles??

 **chahliebitmafingah:** present

 **beterbarker:** what the f u c k

 **father abraham:** you were supposed to be the best of us

 **bedned:** WE HAVE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO HONOR THE LIFE OF ONE CHARLES 

**chahliebitmahfingah:** i got bored and decided to fuck with mj

 **salt:** yk she’s never gonna trust you again  
  
**bedned:** HE WAS A GOOD SOUL, UNTIL HE MESSED WITH MICHELLE JONES

 **salt** : i’ll never trust you again goddamn charles how the fuck

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** i’ve literally hacked into the school’s system to fix my attendance why is this such a surprise

 **cindyyy:** because you were supposed to be a good kid

 **beterbarker:** you hacked into the school and all you did was change your attendance?

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** remember that day i was sick in june

 **beterbarker:** yeah

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** yeah so i actually went to a pride parade in manhattan ****

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** and my mom thought i went to school

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** so i changed my attendance so it said i was there

 **father abraham:** this is proof none of the teachers check their work

 **salt:** are we honestly surprised ****

**father abraham:** true

 **beterbarker:** hey you can tell me to fuck off but can i ask you a question charles

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** sure

 **beterbarker:** why did you go to a pride parade

 **beterbarker:** i mean i have no problem with it or anything i just wanna know why a pride parade

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** flash you’re not homophobic right

 **flashyflash:** um

 **flashyflash:** no

 **flashyflash:** i’m literally reading a gay romance

 **chahliebitmafingah:** point 

**chahliebitmahfingah:** so anyways i’m actually bi

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** don’t feel free to spread the word i don’t mind y’all because i’m fairly sure most of you are part of the lgbtq community by some way

 **salt:** i feel called out

 **cindyy:** YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU RIGHT CHARLES

 **betty with the good hair:** thank you for telling us charles

 **beterbarker:** yee bi squad assemble

 **cindyy:** GOOD TEAM

 **salt:** BEST TEAM

 **beterbarker:** ITS BEING BI TIME

 **father abraham:** that was pretty elementary of y’all 

**beterbarker:** oh shut up hetero

 **father abraham:** wait who in here is straight actually

 **bedned:** me

 **flashyflash:** despite me reading castle swimmer, me

 **salt:** you know i think i like this new flash

 **betty with the good hair:** much less of an asshole

 **salt:** too bad he’s a hetero

 **flashyflash:** isn’t that like reverse homophobia 

**beterbarker:** can’t believe i’m agreeing with flash, but he’s not wrong

 **salt:** mmmm true

 **betty with the good hair:** ooooo we should make bi squad t-shirts

 **betty with the good hair:** even if we only wear them outside of school

 **beterbarker:** oh fuck yeah

 **salt:** we go to a pride parade with those on, roll our jean hems, and dye our hair

 **beterbarker:** maybe not dye our hair

 **salt:** oh come on, please? i can give you just the temporary dye??

 **beterbarker:** ...

 **bedned:** i’d love to see may’s face

 **beterbarker:** she’d either scream or ask to get hers done

 **cindyy:** she really would

 **father abraham:** we’re literally so fucking off topic i’m not quite sure why we’re here 

**betty with the good hair:** we were trying to find out who fucked us over in the gc

 **father abraham:** thank you betty

 **beterbarker:** lmao why did you even do it charles

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** tbh i kinda just wanted to see chaos

 **chahliebitmahfingah:** it ended up being anti-climactic and backfiring on me

 **salt:** i feel like that’s every villain ever

 **salt:** like, lets fuck shit up but then it backfires 

**cindyy:** did you just insinuate charles is a villain ****

 **flashyflash:** i mean he fucked with mj

 **bedned:** that _really_ doesn’t sound right ****

 **flashyflash:** we say crap like that all the time why is weird this time

 **bedned:** idk man

 **father abraham:** i think this is the first time i’ve ever seen them have a civil conversation

 **beterbarker:** *jazz hands* progress

 **beterbarker:** and it’s now four in the fucking morning i have to be somewhere by ten can we pLEASE finish this tomorrow 

**betty with the good hair:** we better get this fixed by monday. i have colorguard practice right after, i actually need time to do homework

 **father abraham:** fine, council is dismissed

 **salt:** you’re a fucking judge now abe?

 **father abraham:** i can be whatever the fuck i like

 **salt:** i feel like i should be offended but i support the statement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also sorry for the three month wait shit happened and i had to focus on keeping my mom from finding out about my ao3 account that included lifting my tv off the wall mount and dropping it on purpose (long story) and then i just started reading a lot of fics lol


	5. the one where twitter makes an entrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello yes I did get inspiration from another twitter fic lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i threw this together in twenty minutes don’t have high standards
> 
> or at all really

**hufflepuff bitch @peterparker**

so there’s three (3) dead moths in the weird light things in the ceiling of the detention room and i’m not sure whether to be scared or grossed out.

**eat the rich @midtownmj**

so that’s why you’re skipping decathlon

**hufflepuff bitch @peterparker**

well yeah

**hufflepuff bitch @peterparker**

it wasn’t my fault this time i got a phone call during class and ms. v wasn’t taking my shit

**mr. iron can @tonystark**

put away your phone peter

**hufflepuff bitch @peterparker**

no

**mr. iron can @tonystark**

i will get pepper

 **hufflepuff bitch @peterparker** ****

alright alright jeez

**flash @gottadash**

yo what the fuck

**Buzzfeed @BuzzfeedNews** ****

Tony Stark just parented some kid on Twitter and we love it.

**Daily Bugle @TheDailyBugle**

Tony Stark, Iron Man, in cahoots with high-schooler? Is the so-called hero actually a pedophile? Read the full article at the Daily Bugle ****

**miya twins supremacy @macyloveshq**

bruh stfu there was nothing sexual involved

**still waiting on yoi season four @emilyk**

the bugle is a tabloid nowadays. 

**Sun Times @thesuntimes**

Billionaire Avenger Tony Stark interacts with teenager online. Is he a possible son or protégé?

**Star Magazine @Star**

Who is Peter Parker, and why does Tony Stark seem to know him? Our possible theories.

**wake up and wHo @curlygirl**

why is this kid peter the best thing i’ve seen all day

**lupita nyong’o please date me @hockeyjackson**

he gives off chaotic gen z vibes and he’s back talking to iron man that’s why

**wake up and wHo @curlygirl**

mm valid

**nedward @weebpadawan**

how is your newfound popularity @peterparker

 **hufflepuff bitch @peterparker** ****

fuck off

**yeEHAW @harrrrrley**

peter had to get parented on twitter by his boss lmaooo

**hufflepuff bitch @peterparker**

yOU STFU TOO

**eat the rich @midtownmj**

please stop tweeting during practice, or i will confiscate your phones 

**nedward @weebpadawan** ****

yes mj

 **hufflepuff bitch @peterparker** ****

yes mj

**yeEHAW @harrrrrley**

who is this i love them 

**eat the rich @midtownmj**

peter’s decathalon captain, michelle jones. distract them again and i will restrict you from any competitions or practices

**yeEHAW @harrrrrley**

yes ma’am

**Virginia Potts @PepperPotts**

Press conference at 11:00 am Wednesday on the subject of Peter Parker. ****

**mr. iron can @tonystark**

press conference at eleven on wednesday about my annoying intern y’all really are bored

**Virginia Potts @PepperPotts**

Tony

**mr. iron can @tonystark**

pepper

**Virginia Potts @PepperPotts**

Tony.

**mr. iron can @tonystark**

pepper.

**Stark Industries @OfficialSI**

Press conference at 11:00 am Wednesday on the subject of Peter Parker. ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got motivation after four months lmao ik no one reads this tho


End file.
